Year Of Living Sober

Today is Day 141 of my Year of Living Sober.

As a former regular/steady/unsteady-whoops-I-fell-over-again drinker I’ve spent a good part of the past 141 days thinking about ways not only to cease boozin’ completely but also ways to maybe cut down a bit once my 365 days of self-imposed sobriety is done.

Maybe nothing or all isn’t necessarily the best way for me to change my drinking habits?

Then again, maybe I really will never drink alcohol again? Even after my YOLS is up? If so what use would I have then for any ideas about moderation or temperate al-co-hole consumption?

None.

But, honestly, total abstinence for the rest of my life is a tad too depressing to contemplate right now, even—or especially—in the middle of my first ever year completely off drinking. And as ironic as it might be to get depressed over giving up a depressant, so it is; so I am.

Ironic.

For anyone else who’s ever thought about how they might cut back on alcohol binging—one day—here are my:

TOP FIVE WAYS TO CUT DOWN ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION

1. For every glass of alcohol you drink have one glass of sand.

This works really well for the first glass of booze but unfortunately after downing the sand you WILL require hospitalization.

2. Staple your lips together.

Pros: makes it near impossible to drink any alcohol from a glass or bottle. Cons: unless staples overlap you may still be able to squeeze a straw between the gaps in your bleeding lips.

3. Replace your large wine glass with a thimble.

Not only does a thimble hold less than a glass you’ll pour most of your wine on the floor or table thus having the experience of being drunk (i.e. loss of eye/hand co-ordination) without the damaging effects on your liver, skin and love-life (see ‘How To Have More Powerful Erections’ to learn what boozin’ hard does to a man trying to stay hard).

4. Instead of beer, wine and/or spirits try a stick of celery.

Warning though, if trying this at the local pub get ready for the name calling from your big boozing drinking buddies. However, if they do call you any derogatory names (‘Rabbit Man’, ‘Vegetable Woman’ etc…) simply smile and shove a long celery stick (deftly removed from your virgin mary) into the arsehole eyes of your tormentor. Yes, by not going for the mouth they will still be able to cheap talk and curse your unwillingness to follow the crowd (sheeple) but, having disabled their eyesight they won’t be able to see you steal their phone, wallet and car keys! Bonus.

5. Wear mittens.

The fifth top way to cut down alcohol consumption is simple. Like methods 2 and 3 wearing mittens is all about creating an obstacle to booze delivery. If you think you could still get to your favourite tipple despite having limited dexterity and grip try oiling your mittens or smearing them with butter too. By the time you get the screw top off the wine or pop the cap on that bottle of beer you’ll be too exhausted to pour either down your gullet.

So there you have it. The top five ways to cut down alcohol consumption. If you have anymore, we here at Year of Living Sober (well, ‘me here’) at Year of Living Sober would love to hear them.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.