Tagged with teetotaller

Calendar Boy

We all count the days.

It’s not just folk like me, someone who has resolved to make a change a day at a time, who like to mark off the 24 hour milestones of another day done.

We all do it.

Why else would we need calendars? Sure, sometimes we might use ye ol’ Gregorian date keeping devices to ‘plan ahead’, but we also use ‘em just to keep track of what day it is. For me, today isn’t just Wednesday (the day before I have to put out the rubbish) though, today is also Day 62 of my year of living sober. And this means I have gone two whole ‘calendar’ months without a drop of alcohol.

Bring out the champagne!

Wait. That’s not going to help. Besides, it’s too early to celebrate. I’ve got another ten months ahead of me. Another ten months of not drinking booze in order to prove to myself I can break a (near) lifetime habit of drinking almost every week since I was fifteen—and almost every night for a year or so previous to embarking on my YOLS.

So, for the next ten months my calendar is very important to me; I love it. But in truth my fondness for calendar’s probably set-in last year.

In the run up to my early New Year’s resolution I published a post (on my other blog) lamenting the fact the 30 Rock desktop calendar was not available for 2012. I had enjoyed reading a snippet from the show every day and would have liked to continue into another year with the company of all the hilarious characters in Tina Fey’s brilliant comedy.

But it wasn’t to be.

Instead, in 2012 I have to make do with my own sense of humor, coming up with a new Little Booze Joke—as I do—every day for this blog. And I had to make my own calendar.

My calendar for 2012 is not a desktop one—more of a stick-it-up-on-your-wall one: all I did was combine two years onto a single page so I could cross off each day I didn’t—I don’t—drink. And that’s what I’ve been doing.

For 61 days.

Then it occurred to me how some of the readers of this blog might like a Year Of Living Sober calendar of their own. A few people have told me how they too are taking a year off booze this year. Other’s have expressed a desire to cut down a bit on The Drinking in 2012.

Maybe my little calendar could help keep track of all those sober days?

Marking off each booze-free day—and month!

Even if you only mark off the odd booze-free-day, by the end of the year you can look back on all your little victories. And add them up. Perhaps your YOLS will spread out across a few years?

Anywho, if you’d like a FREE calendar (it’s a png file I can easily email you) just let me know HERE.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

Little Booze Joke 61:

Just-any-old-arsehole walks into a bar and says, “Give me a glass of your best scotch,” and the barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve Just-any-old-arsehole the best scotch.”

How about you? Are you keeping a daily record of any New Year resolution? Or maybe you’re counting down to a Big Goal Day or something else important? Please leave a comment or use the contact form to send a private message.

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Top 5 Teetotaller Responses When Offered A Drink

Teetotaller fish

“Why aren’t you drinking like a fish?”

Teetotallers are fishy.

I’m not saying non-drinkers smell bad, or that they have gills where boozer’s have rosy cheeks, just that they are not to be trusted. Why else would some people become so defensive when encountering one in a social situation.

“You’re not drinking? Really? WHY?”

Such is the kind of comment—and personal question—commonly heard by anyone who used to drink but has had a change of liver. If you were once a drinker then suddenly present yourself to the world as a Teetotaller, get ready for a backlash.

Some people simply don’t like change; big drinkers despise it.

When attending parties, work functions, sporting events with friends or any other social gathering where booze consumption is considered par for the first course, second course, third and more (“dessert wine, Madam?”), non-drinkers—especially new non-drinkers—quickly learn (as I did previous to my YOLS, when I used to take the occasional month off from boozin’) to expect such commentary on their choice of temporary abstinence.

“You can have ONE can’t you? YOU don’t have a drinking problem. Do you?”

And there will be more questions.

“Is it a medical thing or a health issue? Are you on antibiotics?” Some people will also feel empowered to enquire about your spiritual life:

“Are you a Jehovah now or something? Mormon?”

So, what do you say? What does someone like me—someone who’s decided to take a year off drinking just to make sure I can, someone who felt his habit of nightly drinking, though not out of hand was still something he wanted to break—say?

Nothing.

He writes a blog about it instead. And he (me/I) spends more time at home than an agoraphobic bear during hibernation season (actually, since we don’t have bears in Melbourne maybe I’m more of a wombat in a hole during a bushfire: I feel cool and protected in my burrow).

To  be clear, I’m not purposely avoiding big drinking gatherings I am also waiting patiently for the birth of our second child;  pub/gutter-crawling isn’t really on the agenda anyway. I was, however, quietly happy I had a good excuse (staying home with my pregnant wife) not to surround myself with intoxicated buddies (and strangers) over the Christmas and New Year period. Not that I was worried about being tempted. I’ve made my commitment and whatever it brings up, I’m ready for it.

Year of Living Sober WITTIDOMS

So, what about when I return to the ‘party’ circuit? How will I prepare myself for the inevitable enquiries? Maybe with some of these responses to the somewhat annoying, if well meaning, passively aggressive judgments of NS (new sober) behaviour.

When someone next drops their jaw at my wave-of-a-hand decline to an offer of a beer, wine or spirit—even a FREE beer, wine or spirit—I might choose to explain my abnormal response by saying “Thanks, but no thanks,” and anyone of these follow ups in reply to the inevitable “How come?”

Here is my…

Top 5 Teetotaller Responses When Offered A Drink

1. “I used to drink but I also used to poo in my nappy. Now I’ve grown out of it. I don’t drink anymore either.”

2. “Sure, I used to get off getting drunk but that was before I found out women prefer a man who can stay UP long enough to get THEM off.”

3. “In the past I loved drinking to get drunk but in the past I also used to love drinking to get milk from my mother’s tit. These days I’ve matured and my taste buds have evolved. Besides, Mum moved interstate.”

4. “Some people drink to loosen up but I’ve discovered, for me, not wearing underwear does the same thing. Now I cruise sober commando. Cheers!”

5. “Alcohol used to be such a big part of my life I decided to make some room for something more exciting. Like spontaneously stripping naked at parties—without needing to be wasted. Here, let me show you.”

Judging from that list it would seem I have a slight preoccupation with nakedness. Oh well, nobody’s perfect. At least now I’m fully prepared for, and eager to get to, the next party. Well, sometime after my new baby arrives, anyway.

Teetotaller response

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

(N.B. Yesterday was Day 60 of my Year Of Living Sober. It was a Monday. Today is Day 61. But it’s not over yet.)

Little Booze Joke 60:

A prostitute walks into a bar and says, “Give us a drink,” and the barman says, “How much?”

How about you? Got a good line for when somebody questions why you’re having a ‘night off the piss’ (as we say Down Under)? You do! Would you like to leave a comment?

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DAY 29: Sober as a judge or teetotal as a Teetotaller?

What does being teetotal mean?

Yesterday was Day 29 of my Year of Living Sober.

It was a Friday.

On Saturday morning, whilst checking my blog stats (it’s growing!) I found out on Friday someone google searched for ‘difference between sober and teetotal’ and landed on YOLS. And though I’ve used both ‘sober’ and ‘teetotal’ more than a few times over the last 29 days, in various posts relating to my Year of Living Sober, I hadn’t thought to distinguish the difference between the two until getting that search engine prompt.

So, apart from ‘teetotal’ being an old fashioned word for ‘the state of non-drinking of alcoholic beverages’ and ‘sober’ being a more modern way for describing the same state, what is the difference?

What is the difference between being sober and teetotal?

To me ‘sober’ is what you are BEFORE Christmas lunch, New Years Eve or any of a long list of celebrations/commiserations where and when alcohol is used to change one’s mental and emotional state. This list includes:

Valentines Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day, your birthday Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day, Grand Final Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day, Melbourne Cup Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day (I live in Melbourne—you probably have another local horse race excuse), I’ve-Got-A-New-Job-And-Therefore-An Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day, This-Pizza-Needs-A-Good-Red-Wine Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day, I’ve-Bought-A-New-Car-And-With-It-An Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day or My-Girlfriend-Left-Me-With-This Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day.

On the other hand, ‘teetotal’ is what you are all the time, after you’ve made a CHOICE that no matter what everyone else is doing, and no matter what the Excuse-To-Get-Drunk-Day is, boozin-up aint’ for you. Even a little.

So I guess, as I am not using any celebration as my reason for getting un-sober anymore—at least for the next 336 days, anyway—I qualify as an honorary Teetotaller. As such please excuse me if I take it as my duty to poo-poo all the old and often fun ways I used to enjoy beer, wine and the countless coloured spirits which reflect bar-lights so alluringly.

I’m a Teetotaller now. It is my duty to turn on my old drunk self: “Silly fool, what choo think you were doin’?”

And now, to finish on an educational note, may I share with you some of my research for this post. Apparently the use of ‘Teetotal’ stems from one of the early members of the temperance society who stuttered that nothing would do but  ’T….t….t…total abstinence from alcohol. Alternatively, the word may have been coined from the habit of simply emphasizing the ‘t’ in ‘total’; in some temperance societies signing a ‘T’ after your name was meant to signify your pledge of total abstinence.

For me though, this blog serves as the only reminder I need about my personal commitment to stay a sober teetotaller for 365 days straight.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

T.

Little Booze Joke 29:

Q: Why did the drunk judge cross the road?

A: He’d come to a guil-T.

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DAY 21: Three weeks and counting

Yesterday was day 21 of my year of living sober.

It was a Thursday.

In dedication to those 21 days of just saying ‘Ginger Beer please’ I considered calling this post ‘How I Became A Teetotaler’. But, to say I am a fully fledged teetotaler might not be correct since I have only set myself the goal of going a year without alcohol.

Having said that, I think it is important to acknowledge my three weeks riding upon the wagon of partaking only in soft drinks like this:

Cheers!

Little Booze Joke Number 21:

Q: How many former champagne-drinking-soda-water-drinkers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. And it might not be as much fun but you won’t fall off the ladder.

Or the wagon.

Hopefully.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

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DAY 13: Sober Snoring

Yesterday was day 13 of my year of living sober.

It was a Wednesday.

This morning my wife told me my snoring has been worse since I stopped drinking. Sober snoring? Who knew?

She jokingly said last night’s effort was enough to make her wish I’d start drinking again.

But she was only joking.

So, it’s 352 more nights of ‘will he/won’t he wake me up with his impersonation of thirteen slow-revving Harley Davidsons’ for her.

Lucky wife.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

Little Booze Joke Number 13:

Q. How many bi-curious drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to try screwing the other way.

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DAY 12: 8.20 am in Sydney

Sober in Sydney

Yesterday was day 12 of my year of living sober. It was a Tuesday.

In Sydney for an appearance at 8.20 am on Channel 7′s Sunrise (a national Australian morning television show), I was perky and hangover free.

Sunrise was great fun!

The presenters, Mel and Kochie asked about my novel, The Last Great Day, and I felt comfortable and happy with my answers. I did my first ever hello-down-the-camera to my daughter, Honey and I wished my wife Happy Anniversary (for the previous day—the day I jumped a plane out of Melbourne town!).

Off camera after, Kochie jokingly mentioned I would have scored big brownie points with that cheerio move.

And I did.

Emerging onto Martin Place I got a text message from my wife saying Honey was watching and she’d waved at Daddy on the tele. Nice. And, despite the fact it rained, almost literally, the whole two days I was in Sydney, the rest of my stay was just fine too thank you. I spent most of it writing in my hotel room but found time in the evening to head out and catch Woody Allen’s latest film, Midnight In Paris, at the Palace cinema on Oxford Street, in Paddington.

I can recommend the pizza’s at Dimitri’s in Surrey Hills too. It’s a cool joint which serves alcohol and soft drinks. I had soft.

Lovely.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

Little Booze Joke Number 12:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. Astonished, the bartender pours a pint of the requested tipple while trying to engage the obviously depressed little green insect in conversation.

“This is amazing,” says the bartender. “You know, we’ve got a drink named after you here.”

The grasshopper looks up unimpressed.

“Really?” says the grasshopper. “You’ve got a drink called Kevin?”

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DAY 11: Teetotal Twelve and Mr Mini Bar

Alcohol Dependent in denial

Yesterday was day 11 of my year of living sober. It was a Monday

In the morning the producers of a morning television show called Sunrise asked me if I would be able to fly to Sydney (from Melbourne) to give an in-studio interview about my novel, The Last Great Day, instead of the studio hook-up we had planned. By that night I was in a hotel room in a different state to my wife and baby for the first time since I met my wife or we had our baby.

With such a break from responsibilities it might have seemed the perfect opportunity to ‘let my hair down’ and have a couple of beers or even a bottle of wine. But having taken my personal pledge not to drink for a year it was easy, well, not to.

I’m sure my eyes looked better for it this morning too. And, despite getting up early and spending a couple of hours walking around town looking for somewhere appealing to have lunch (I ended up at a Vegan joint down the road from The Menzies—where I’m staying), I’ve been very productive with my writing today too.

I just finished about 2,700 words for a chapter of a new novel I’m writing and now I will post this blog.

Then I will have a bath and soak happy in the knowledge I won’t have any over-priced half-bottles of wine on my bill tomorrow morning when I check out.

Just another bonus of going Teetotal for Twelve months—hey, that’s got a ring to it.

“I’m on a Teetotal Twelve.”*

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

* Trade Mark/Copyright/Domain Registered/Not Really.

Little Booze Joke Number 11:

Q. How many alcohol dependents in denial does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Ten. But they’ll tell you just the one.

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DAY 7: One Week Sober and Strong

One week sober

Not even any altar wine!


Yesterday was day 7 of my year of living sober. It was a Thursday.

Hang on. That’s a whole week!

And they said I’d never make it.

Well, actually, nobody said anything to my face. For all I know nobody said anything behind my back either. Why would I think there are pessimistic people out there who would even bother wasting energy sending negative vibes towards someone trying to do something to feel better about themselves and the world around them?

Cause I’ve been that person before.

Years ago I was friends with a budding writer (who was a Television Runner at the time) and I remember us joking about the predictable stages we saw famous/celebrity/ego-heads going through or heading for. At the time it seemed to us that after the fame, money and hedonism which often accompanies meteoric rises to stratospheric heights in the showbiz game (whether musicians, actors or, yes—even writers), there was a common redemption stage.

At said point in hypothetical career the one time big drinker, promiscuous player and/or drug experimenter often turns his or her (or his-her) back on the old ways of excess to turn to a simple life of abstinence. Often, my clever writer friend and I observed, this stage was also accompanied by a turn to religion and a loud declaration of new found faith.

But don’t fear, Old Self, Future Self has only resolved to abstain from the hard liquor (and soft) for one year. He has no intention of denying how lovely a glass of something intoxicating can be, especially when shared with a friend as the two of you dissect the world and the foibles of the humans who inhabit it.

Then again, Old Self, maybe you were as smart as you thought you were back then and your prediction has come true? After all Future Self is now married with a daughter (and another on the way) and hasn’t been tempted by a spliff or anything like it for well over a decade.

Whatever, the only faith I have found is in my ability to make a different choice. Every day, every week, every month for one year; a new choice.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

Little Booze Joke Number 7:

Q. Why did the drunkard priest cross the road?

A. He thought HE was the road.

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DAY 6: DETOXIFICATION FEELS LIKE MUD

“This vintage is very…earthy.”

Yesterday was day 6 of my year of living sober. It was a Wednesday.

The ol’ head felt like mud.

In fact me body didn’t feel much better either. Luckily I was more spritely in the morn’ and managed to get a very productive writing session (or two) in so I didn’t feel bad about my work output—just bad about feeling muddy.

Since it is coming up to a week since I pulled the plug on pouring 1000 ml plus of alcoholic liquids (beer and wine) into my body each night maybe that’s got something to do with it? I’m not an expert on these things but I imagine my body got used to what I regularly drank and is now freaking out a bit. Detoxification, it turns out, feels like mud.

‘There, there, body,” I say. “You will feel a million times better once this detoxification period is over. Then you might even feel better than you have in a long, long time. You might feel clear, like mountain spring water!”*

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

* As long as the mountain is not home to a nuclear power plant, oil well or gas mine. Sheesh, no wonder some people drink? How dumb are we humans sometimes, polluting this pristine planet in the name of progress?

Little Booze Joke Number 6:

Q. How many bartenders does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to tell you they’re changing the lightbulb and will only be a minute.

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DAY 5: CAUSE AND EFFECT

Yesterday was day 5 of my year of living sober. It was a Tuesday.

Last night I had a slight headache. It wasn’t too bad though. It was was nothing compared to the cluster migraine I had a bit over a week ago after bingeing at a wedding on a stinking hot day. I’m pretty sure that migraine was a direct result of becoming dehydrated over the wedding weekend. It was also probably the straw that broke my camel’s back of resistance to giving myself a complete break from booze for a while.

That migraine turned out to be a good thing: I committed to…

A YEAR OFF BOOZE!

And I’m already five days down :)

Now for ‘Today’s Drinking Game‘ (proudly brought to you by Panadol: booze-hounds favourite over-the-counter pain killer).

It’s called ‘No News Is Good News’. To play, simply watch the News or read The Paper and as soon as you come across a story you find upsetting or which makes you angry put on the kettle and make a cup of peppermint tea.

With or without honey it’s very relaxing.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

Little Booze Joke Number 5:

Q. Why did the binge drinker cross the road?

A. To throw up.

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