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Oct 20 2012
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Affirmations, Booze Jokes, Health, Humor, Inspiration

Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Twelve

Year of Living Sober's Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Twelve

Wow. It’s here already. The final post in Year of Living Sober’s series of 12 Dipsomaniac Declarations.

Here’s Number Twelve:

As a Dipsomaniac I share my experiences openly.

Like the rest of YOLS’ DDs number 12 is inspired by the corresponding Alcoholics Anonymous step. AAs step number 12 is:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Why the AA step doesn’t work for dipsomaniacs.

Even though it might seem that by writing this booze-free blog I am following step 12 of Alcoholics Anonymous (by carrying a sober ‘message’ to alcoholics), I see YOLS more as a way of me being completely open. (Well, as ‘open’ as I can be without posting computer-cam pics of me writing in my towel!)

I’m simply sharing my story. I’m not suggesting every big drinker—or any big drinker—should do the same as me and have a year of living sober, just to make sure they can. It’s not for me to tell anyone what to do, even if something has worked (or is working) for me.

Everyone’s spiritual journey is as unique as their physical one; no step is ever quite the same.

Dipsomaniacs seeking to manage their own alcohol consumption do not need to tell others to do the same. They might want to share about how good it was waking up without a hangover (or a sexual partner they’d forgotten the name of) but they don’t need to preach about it.

“Wait a minute, Ben. Isn’t it ‘preaching’ to say ‘Don’t Preach!’?”

Ahh, yeah, you got me there, Ben. But, please, don’t be so pedantic. All I mean to say is, something me and a million hippies have said before: “Live and let live, man!”

And if you want to ‘carry’ a ‘message’ into the world, why not make it one of unconditional love and acceptance rather than one of ‘Do As I Do (don’t drink) Or You Are Doomed (to the life of an alcohol dependent)’?

But even as I say that I know the world is a mysterious place—full of contradictions and dichotomies—and practicing unconditional love and acceptance means I shouldn’t judge others for judging others.

So, drink up, I say. And spread any word you feel compelled to. For me the word of the last 345 days has been ‘dipsomaniac’. Before I started my year of living sober I didn’t know the word existed.

But now I do.

And I’m happy to call myself one. And share my story.

My name is Ben and I’m a dipsomaniac.

Today is Day 345 of my year of living sober.

★

Little Booze Joke

A computer walks into a bar and announces to everyone, “Free beers for any gal who shows me her tits.” The bartender rushes over and says, “Hey mate that’s very generous of you but it’s not very PC.” The computer makes an error sound, an angry pixellated face flashes on the screen and the computer replies, “What do you want from me? I’m an Apple.”

How about you?  Do you share openly? Or are you guarded about sensitive issues like whether you drink too much booze or not? Love to get your comment.

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Oct 19 2012
6 Comments
Affirmations, Booze Jokes, Health, Humor, Inspiration

Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Eleven

Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Eleven

Today’s post is Number 11 in the series of ‘12 Dipsomaniac Declarations’.

Over this series I’m offering all ‘booze lovers’ (especially those who’d maybe like to cut back a bit) an alternative step to each of the official 12 steps offered by Alcoholics Anonymous.

Here’s Number Eleven:

As a Dipsomaniac I accept my part in the infinity of creation, however seemingly small, is important in the universal scheme of things.

Like the rest of YOLS’ DDs number 11 is inspired by the corresponding Alcoholics Anonymous step. AAs step number 11 is:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Why the AA step doesn’t work for Dipsomaniacs.

Keeping my personal beliefs (about an inherently perfect universe and intelligent force far beyond my comprehension creating and controlling all life in a magic, divine and mysterious order) out of it, you don’t need to believe in God to find discipline in your drinking life.

If, as a self-described dipsomaniac, you have decided you’re not an alcoholic but you do drink a bit too much sometimes, you can simply focus your attention on accepting that fact about yourself and be open to experiencing something new.

Basically, the problem with AA’s eleventh step is probably down to it being the most ‘religiously’ worded of all 12 steps—despite the somewhat confused attempt to allow for beliefs not confined to a capital ‘H’ big Him in the sky. As such it is ambiguous when it comes to how it applies to cutting down on the booze.

What is ‘His will’ in relation to an individual’s choice to drink or not? By including this wording AA seems to imply that He (God/Him) definitely doesn’t want His people to drink booze.

But that’s ridiculous.

I’ve met some very spiritual drunks and some God-less (God-fearing) abstainers. In my experience at least it seems ‘conscious contact with God’ can be made by people whacked out of their whizzer (or whizzed out of their whacker) just as readily as it can be by people who’ve never touched a drop of the dipsomaniac’s delight in their life.

And whether you believe in capital G God or not, you can plug into the spirit of the universe with or without the spirit of the bottle.

Wonder and wine ain’t mutually exclusive.

My name is Ben and I’m a dipsomaniac.

Today is Day 344 of my year of living sober.

★

Little Booze Joke

Jesus walks into a bar on Good Friday and the barman says, “Hey Jesus, I didn’t think strict Christians drank at Easter?” and Jesus says, “If you knew what kind of day I had?”

What do you think?  Is it necessary to believe in God to want to cut down on the booze-fuelled interference between you and the Universal Intelligence? Love to get your comment.

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Oct 18 2012
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Affirmations, Booze Jokes, Health, Humor, Inspiration

Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Ten

Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Ten

Today it’s time for the tenth in Year of Living Sober’s series of 12 Dipsomaniac Declarations.

Here’s Number Ten:

As a Dipsomaniac I express myself in the moment.

Like the rest of YOLS’ DDs number 10 is inspired by the corresponding Alcoholics Anonymous step. AA’s step number 10 is:

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Why the AA step doesn’t work for dipsomaniacs.

‘Personal inventory’ is a ‘too fancy way of saying something which can be simple’. What about simply ‘be honest‘?

Always.

Besides I don’t think it’s very healthy to think of ourselves as some sort of factory where ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviours are stored and dispensed by an unreliable (which is a negative way of referring to the changeable nature of us ‘adaptable’ humans) distribution manager.

While I think it is very healthy to be humble, and to never pretend we know more than we do—especially about stuff we ain’t had diddly squat experience with—I don’t like this idea of guilting ourselves into confession. Reeks of doing religious penance or something like that.

What IS healthy is to be present and to acknowledge what is real for you NOW.

Maybe it’s my complete reverence for nature—and watching how things have a way of working themselves out when you remove your opinion about how they should go—but why not just say what’s on your mind; what’s really on your mind.

Then, based on your body language, personal history and tone of voice (among many other signs of truth/lie telling), the other person is going to make up their own mind whether you’re being truthful or not anyway.

But that’s just how I feel today. Maybe I’ll feel differently, in the now-moment, tomorrow?

My name is Ben and I’m a dipsomaniac.

Today is Day 343 of my year of living sober.

★

Little Booze Joke

A cat walks into a bar and says, “Give me a glass of your cheapest white wine.” The bartender starts pouring the cat’s drink and says, “Are you sure you want the cheapest? To be honest this stuff tastes like, well, cat’s piss.” The cat grins and starts slurping from the glass before replying, “That’s okay, I’m on a detox. But I’m allowed to drink my own urine.”

How about you? Do you keep a personal inventory of moral/immoral behaviour? Love to get your comment.

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Oct 17 2012
2 Comments
Affirmations, Booze Jokes, Health, Humor, Inspiration

Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Nine

Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Nine

There’s a lot of cruelty in the world.

And I don’t just mean the kind inflicted upon us all by television programmers.

Man is capable of nasty stuff. Even when we like or love another human we can treat them mean and cruel and rather than bring joy, love and nice home-cooked meals to the table we bring jealousy, anger and furniture broken in fits of rage.

But, as much as I am a peace loving spiritual seeker I also see that we get to the sublime by going through the blah. The shadow lurking within us all only exists because of our light.

Personally, I believe my appreciation of the simple, magical things in life—like nature, sunsets and a baby’s first steps—is all the more greater because I’ve walked a little on the wild side—I’ve seen (and done?) things in dodgy bars I hope my daughter’s never have to witness.

Though they probably will.

And that’s okay. As long as I can hopefully help them to understand that everyone on this planet takes their own course and even when we bump into them, we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves for any repercussions of our ‘dance’.

Live and let live. And all that.

So it’s with that philosophy of acceptance, of yin/yang extremes and everything in between, that I bring you today’s Dipsomaniac Declaration, the ninth in Year of Living Sober’s series of 12 Dipsomaniac Declarations.

Here it is:

As a Dipsomaniac I trust others are on their own perfect path.

Like the rest of YOLS’ DDs number 9 is inspired by the corresponding Alcoholics Anonymous step. AAs step number 9 is:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Why the AA step doesn’t work for dipsomaniacs.

As I briefly discussed in Dipsomaniac Declaration Number Eight, a dipsomaniac doesn’t need to make amends. All a dipsomaniac needs to do is remember to be present to his or her action in the now.

Whether that action is drinking garlic-infused vodka shots at a grunge goth bar, mowing the lawn on a warm spring day, or driving to work in peak-hour, a dipsomaniac knows the power of consciousness lies in where it is focussed.

And the ‘present’ is all we can dream of having any possible real effect on.

But when you look to make amends you are looking to the past; you are looking to another time and projecting imperfect memories of what actually happened, memories distorted over time—by guilt perhaps—or simply the booze haze.

Alternatively, by trusting everyone is on their perfect path, we liberate ourselves from guilt over what we might accuse ourselves of having done (or are accused of by manipulative others) and can get on with walking down our own path. Or trimming the hedges (not a euphemism for pubic-hair maintenance).

Yes, in my pre-YOLS life I got drunk once (or a twice—multiplied by 1000) and said terrible things. Is that good? I don’t know. Is it bad? I don’t know. Is it something I need to experience again? Maybe, but hopefully not.

I do know I can’t go back in time and arbitrarily choose people or events whom or which I feel I may have impacted on negatively. I have no way of knowing what the domino effect of my actions (positive and negative) has been; maybe everything I’ve ever said and done has been part of a perfect Universal plan: I could be a perfect ‘imperfect’ part, having never said or done anything truly out of order.

Basically it comes down to me believing we’re all getting what we need. And therefore, we’re also GIVING what we need to be giving to others too.

And so there’s nothing to make amends for.

My name is Ben and I’m a dipsomaniac.

Today is Day 342 of my year of living sober.

★

Little Booze Joke

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog and stands in the center of the bar. To everyone’s surprise he then takes the dog by the chain and starts swinging him around above his head.

 Everyone stops drinking and stares, many shaking their heads in disgust at the way the poor dog is being treated. One particularly miffed woman runs up to the blind man and demands to know, “What the hell are you doing?”

 The blind man turns towards the woman and says, “Oh, nothing much. Just looking around.”

What do you think? Is it possible to make amends for past wrongs if you can’t even be sure how you’ve ‘wronged’? Love to get your comment.

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Jul 15 2012
3 Comments
Booze Jokes, Health, Humor, Inspiration

5 Things Alcohol is Fantastic For

 

Year of Living Sober visual gag

“He’s behind you!”

I haven’t always been a temporary teetotaller.

Before I committed to a year of living sober I used to drink. A lot. And, though my memory of some alcohol fuelled events is, shall we say, a little hazy, I do remember that alcohol is fantastic for some things.

And not just getting drunk.

Alcohol is also fantastic for bringing out your inner sarcastic prick. Like irony? Facetious ribbing not enough for you? Try ALCOHOL and really let your friends, acquaintances and work colleagues know why you’re the wittiest fellow/chick since Oscar Wilde/Dorothy Parker.

“I drink to make others more interesting.”

And

“Have I told you that joke about the sleazy sales-rep who gets his dick caught in the photocopier?”

That kind of thing.

But unfortunately, and for some strange reason, Alcohol has been getting a bad wrap lately. If it’s not reports about increased alcohol related violence or studies showing how alcohol reduces a man’s ability to be a man, it’s this bloody Temporary Teetotaller Movement (of which I am a part) spreading from Australia, all around the party-poopin-in-your-binge-drinkin’-pants world, which is giving so much bad press to what was once to so many an old friend.

And I am guilty as charged.

Yes, Booze. I’ve turned on you. Maybe not permanently, but for the time being I have. But, in an effort to remember just what was so wonderful about getting slammed today I’ve come up with ’5 Things Alcohol is Fantastic For’.

Because, let us not forget, booze is bloody marvelous for some things. After all we all know drinking is not only cool it provides experiences only fermented yeast, sugar and bacteria can give us. So, here are…

5 Things Alcohol is Fantastic For

1. Arrogance

Seeking to improve your arrogance? Look no further. Try alcohol today. While you may need more than a few glasses of vino to start thinking you know it ALL, some people have been known to experience an inflated self-importance and unquestionable sense of entitlement after only a sip. If you’re one of those lucky ones to have such a chemical reaction to booze then—CONGRATULATIONS! Think of the money you’ll save and the humility you’ll never suffer. I’d say “Well done” but you don’t need anyone’s approval—you’ve got more than enough of your own.

N.B. Alcohol may also pump up your obnoxiousness muscle to Mr Olympia proportions but as obnoxiousness and arrogance often go hand in hand (like a couple of loved up body-builders comparing bitch-tits) we’ve included it under this heading.

2. Paranoia

Not only is alcohol is fantastic for getting people talking freely about themselves it’s also great for helping you talk freely about other people. Gossip, they call it. And a known side effect of gossip, and indulging in gossip, is at other times you’ll get the sick feeling those friends you can’t meet up with tonight down the pub will be talking about YOU.

3. Violence

Too timid? Fed up with being the peace lover? Ever fancied losing your temper and punching a hole in the wall? Maybe alcohol’s the answer? With alcohol you can go from a mild-mannered ‘Gandhi’ type to a bar-storming mindless ‘Mike’ Tyson in, sometimes—if you’re not too much of a wuss to refrain from joining in speed-drinking games, less than an hour. Taste the blood. Liberate your inner beast and watch the other cowards cower. Feel what it’s like to have a bit of another man’s ear in your mouth.

4. Sport Appreciation

Alcohol is brilliant for turning a once disinterested sports-fan into a psycho-pathetic supporter. Froth at the mouth, threaten the children of referees whose parents were’nt married and pull the kind of tortured faces normally only seen on, well, torture victims. Feel the pain of a missed kick at a ball. Know what it’s like to care deeply about one group of young men beating another group of young men at running and jumping. All this with just a few beers.

5. Gambling

You won’t win more but you’ll think less. Betting the house will seem like an inspired idea when you’ve had enough booze. Nobody thinks about losing their shirt when it’s covered with fresh bourbon stains.

So there you have it. Five things alcohol is fantastic for. As well as being the best known cure for humility, and excellent at stripping rust off engines, alcohol is good for so much more; alcohol has the power to transform human behaviour to that of a mindless animal.

My name is Ben and I’m a dipsomaniac.

Today is Day 248 of my Year of Living Sober.

☆

Little Booze Joke

Q: How many drunk teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to Tweet a picture of the other being electrocuted.

:)

Do you have anything you find alcohol fantastic for too? Love to get your comment.

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Jan 07 2012
2 Comments
Booze Jokes, Inspiration

Sincerely, Spam Free and Sober

Yesterday was Day 57 of my Year Of Living Sober. It was a Friday.

Everyone loves getting some love

Searching through my email notifications about comments on this blog, new followers over at Twitterland (@YearOffBooze) and direct messages/retweets I realized something about our modern day communication:

Some of it’s crap.

Especially blog spam.

“Fortunate for me to find your amazing blog for which to say I must visit often since you obviously feel passionate about this subject and form most intelligent writings.”

But before you start worrying that my year off drinking booze is having negative side effects on my usual positive self, fear not. While I do feel some of the automated responses are slightly…impersonal (mindless cyber-marketing twaddle), it does make the personal messages stand out.

I guess it’s kind of like those times when I’ve been drunk and riffing witty (at least I thought so) to strangers at a party and comparing that with a quiet conversation shared in a moment of mutual contemplation with a like-minded soul: one social interaction is flippant; the other is felt.

Now it’s true we may open ourselves up to more criticism when we’re vulnerable and sincere but, for me at least, the honest, heartfelt talk is what stays with me.

Just like these kind messages I’ve already received, not even two months into my twelve of experimental sobriety:

“Hi. I read your blog-really enjoyed it. Glad its an experiment rather than alcoholism. Go well and enjoy your sobriety. DD”

“Lovin your blog…you’re a source of bright light. JK”

“u are brave & bold 2 share ur journey w/others. that’s METTLE! i support u. GJ”

Yes, some of the emails and automatic messages we get are junk but some of them—like the ones above—are pure treasure.

“Thanks for your comment.”

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

☆

Little Booze Joke 57:

Charlie Sheen walks into a bar and the barman says, “Good morning.”

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Jan 06 2012
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Booze Jokes, Effects of Abstinence, Funny, Metamorphisis

Loving alcohol and choosing change.

Yesterday was Day 56 of my Year Of Living Sober. It was a Thursday.

Jackpot! Boot o' Beer AND sexy showgirl.

Even though Thursdays are as good as any other day for opening a nice bottle of plonk, and even though I do love drinking alcohol (notice the smile on my face in that photo of me with a BIG beer—nothin’ to do with the showgirl company!) yesterday I didn’t. See, drinking any alcohol is incompatible with something I love more at the moment: being sober.

One cool thing about doing this blog is I’m getting messages and comments from people who are supportive, encouraging and just plain curious. This morning I got a question via Twitter from a gal named Donna. Donna wanted to know:

“Is your year off booze a choice or necessity?”

Well, Donna—thanks for asking. Here is my answer:

My decision to take 365 days off from boozin’ was a choice. I hadn’t been caught drunk-driving, or done anything abusive (unless tweeting pictures of me holding my Grand-Final-triumphant football team’s stubby holder upset someone) but rather simply wanted to break a habit.

And I wanted to see what life would be like sober. For a whole year.

For most of my life I’ve thought nothing (or not much) of drinking whenever I felt like it. A few times in my twenties and thirties I took a month off but other than that, I’ve been drinking steadily since I was about fifteen.

When I turned forty a couple of years ago I began thinking more and more about taking a real break from drinking. I wanted to see what life would be like without my habitual habit of popping a tinny at the barbie (not to be confused with Barbie—who may thoroughly enjoy having a can of frothy lager popped at her). I was eager also to find out if there was another (better?) way to finish off my day of writing, husbanding and daddying than heading off to buy—and then drinking solo—a bottle of wine.

I wanted  a change. So I chose one.

It wasn’t out of ‘necessity’ so much, Donna, as boredom. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic (more of a Dipsomaniac), I don’t think I’d done so much damage to my own or other’s lives that it was either stop drinking or…die, but I was, and am, open to the possibility I might be able to experience a quality of life—or at least an aspect of life—I hadn’t before.

So I quit. For one year.

309 more days.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

☆

Little Booze Joke 56:

A broken record walks into a bar…walks into a bar…walks into a bar.

☆

N.B. If you’re on Twitter you can follow YOLS  @YearOffBooze and get a new ‘Little Booze Joke’ every day.

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Dec 05 2011
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Booze Jokes, Effects of Abstinence, Funny, Health, Humor

DAY 24: Meditation on Alcohol

Alcohol joke from Year of Living Sober

Yesterday was day 24 of my year of living sober.

It was a Sunday.

The effects of abstinence experienced by moi on day 24 were minimal. In fact I had none.

Cool.

Only 341 days to go. But who’s counting?

Me. Everyday. Every bloody ‘booze-free’ day.

Sheesh!

Okay, maybe there is one major side effect of giving up alcohol for a year, namely thinking about how long until my next drink.

Yesterday, when my wife asked me what it is I miss about drinking I said ‘everything’. I explained to her that it wasn’t just the ritual of drinking as I cook, drinking as I eat and drinking while I relax but also something about knowing with each swallow of wine (and, to a lesser degree, beer) I can slowly adjust my consciousness from a state of hyper-mental activity to a state of carefree (and yes, sometimes careless) abandon.

“What else can you do to achieve the same effect?” Pauli asked me. Without thinking I gave the answer.

“Meditate,” I said. “I can meditate.”

Maybe I need to buy a new candle, perhaps a cushion.

Omm.

My name is Ben and I’m a social experiment.

Little Booze Joke 24:

A Buddhist monk walks into a bar and the barman says, “Fancy a cocktail?” and the monk says, “Sure. Make me one with everything.”

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