“He’s behind you!”

I haven’t always been a temporary teetotaller.

Before I committed to a year of living sober I used to drink. A lot. And, though my memory of some alcohol fuelled events is, shall we say, a little hazy, I do remember that alcohol is fantastic for some things.

And not just getting drunk.

Alcohol is also fantastic for bringing out your inner sarcastic prick. Like irony? Facetious ribbing not enough for you? Try ALCOHOL and really let your friends, acquaintances and work colleagues know why you’re the wittiest fellow/chick since Oscar Wilde/Dorothy Parker.

“I drink to make others more interesting.”

And

“Have I told you that joke about the sleazy sales-rep who gets his dick caught in the photocopier?”

That kind of thing.

But unfortunately, and for some strange reason, Alcohol has been getting a bad wrap lately. If it’s not reports about increased alcohol related violence or studies showing how alcohol reduces a man’s ability to be a man, it’s this bloody Temporary Teetotaller Movement (of which I am a part) spreading from Australia, all around the party-poopin-in-your-binge-drinkin’-pants world, which is giving so much bad press to what was once to so many an old friend.

And I am guilty as charged.

Yes, Booze. I’ve turned on you. Maybe not permanently, but for the time being I have. But, in an effort to remember just what was so wonderful about getting slammed today I’ve come up with ’5 Things Alcohol is Fantastic For’.

Because, let us not forget, booze is bloody marvelous for some things. After all we all know drinking is not only cool it provides experiences only fermented yeast, sugar and bacteria can give us. So, here are…

5 Things Alcohol is Fantastic For

1. Arrogance

Seeking to improve your arrogance? Look no further. Try alcohol today. While you may need more than a few glasses of vino to start thinking you know it ALL, some people have been known to experience an inflated self-importance and unquestionable sense of entitlement after only a sip. If you’re one of those lucky ones to have such a chemical reaction to booze then—CONGRATULATIONS! Think of the money you’ll save and the humility you’ll never suffer. I’d say “Well done” but you don’t need anyone’s approval—you’ve got more than enough of your own.

N.B. Alcohol may also pump up your obnoxiousness muscle to Mr Olympia proportions but as obnoxiousness and arrogance often go hand in hand (like a couple of loved up body-builders comparing bitch-tits) we’ve included it under this heading.

2. Paranoia

Not only is alcohol is fantastic for getting people talking freely about themselves it’s also great for helping you talk freely about other people. Gossip, they call it. And a known side effect of gossip, and indulging in gossip, is at other times you’ll get the sick feeling those friends you can’t meet up with tonight down the pub will be talking about YOU.

3. Violence

Too timid? Fed up with being the peace lover? Ever fancied losing your temper and punching a hole in the wall? Maybe alcohol’s the answer? With alcohol you can go from a mild-mannered ‘Gandhi’ type to a bar-storming mindless ‘Mike’ Tyson in, sometimes—if you’re not too much of a wuss to refrain from joining in speed-drinking games, less than an hour. Taste the blood. Liberate your inner beast and watch the other cowards cower. Feel what it’s like to have a bit of another man’s ear in your mouth.

4. Sport Appreciation

Alcohol is brilliant for turning a once disinterested sports-fan into a psycho-pathetic supporter. Froth at the mouth, threaten the children of referees whose parents were’nt married and pull the kind of tortured faces normally only seen on, well, torture victims. Feel the pain of a missed kick at a ball. Know what it’s like to care deeply about one group of young men beating another group of young men at running and jumping. All this with just a few beers.

5. Gambling

You won’t win more but you’ll think less. Betting the house will seem like an inspired idea when you’ve had enough booze. Nobody thinks about losing their shirt when it’s covered with fresh bourbon stains.

So there you have it. Five things alcohol is fantastic for. As well as being the best known cure for humility, and excellent at stripping rust off engines, alcohol is good for so much more; alcohol has the power to transform human behaviour to that of a mindless animal.

My name is Ben and I’m a dipsomaniac.

Today is Day 248 of my Year of Living Sober.

☆

Little Booze Joke

Q: How many drunk teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to Tweet a picture of the other being electrocuted.

Do you have anything you find alcohol fantastic for too? Love to get your comment.