“Is that a bottle in your hand or am I just happy to see you?”

Drinking alcohol is fun.

As such, most people probably wouldn’t need a list of ‘5 Reasons Why You Should Drink Alcohol’ because they would already have a hundred reasons.

Or maybe a thousand?

Unfortunately though, some people out there in Party-Poopersville would have you believe the habit of drinking alcohol can also be bad for you, boring for others who have to endure your drunkenness, and a general pain in the ass for a society which is seemingly increasingly overrun with alcohol related crimes of both domestic and international nature (anyone who’s been on a long-haul flight with almost any sporting team will attest to that last one).

But whatever reformed big drinkers and annoying temporary teetotallers might say to the opposite, I stick to my first claim, which is, as I told you:

ALCOHOL IS FUN.

Sure you might occasionally booze it up beyond your limit and fall into a coma, but what is a walk along the beach without getting a few grains of sand in your sneakers? Enjoying life to the full means getting a little dirty sometimes. And there’s no better way to get dirty—and not just in the bedroom—than by filling up with dutch courage, the devil drink, the dipsomaniacs delight: alcohol.

Which is why today, in what is really a ‘community announcement’, I thought it would be beneficial to have a reminder of what makes drinking alcohol not only fun, but preferable to clarity of mind, composure of emotion, and certainty of not waking up in the arms of a gorilla.

And to make it easy to remember—especially for those of us whose memory has been irreversibly damaged from irresponsible consumption of Dutch Courage (though the manufacturers do state clearly, right there on the label: ‘DO NOT DRINK MORE THAN 2 LITRES OF DUTCH COURAGE A MINUTE’)—I’ve come up with a bullet point list of…

Five Reasons Why You SHOULD Drink Alcohol

1. Alcohol makes ugly people sexy.

Alcohol doesn’t just make you irresistible to the opposite sex it also makes ugly people sexy. And not only other ugly people. Drinking alcohol also makes your own ugliness seem like charm, wit and gosh-darn gorgeousness-aren’t-I. Granted it may only have this affect on yourself but so what? When you drink alcohol no one else matters much anyway. If you drink enough alcohol you may even find farting at the table of a fine restaurant becomes the peak of suave and sophisticated—to you. “Oo la la. Stinky winky!”

2. Alcohol is a great way to get rid of all that spare cash you have lying around.

Do you sometimes wonder what on earth you can spend your hard earned on? Forget the sense of satisfaction from paying the mortgage or saving for you childrens’ education, I’m talking about the kind of fun which can only come from literally pissing away your wages. And, as an added bonus, drinking alcohol can also prove you are wealthy, impressing both strangers and fleeting acquaintances alike. I mean, have you ever ordered a cocktail in Manhattan? Ker-ching. Ker-friggin-ching! “Wow, that guy must be loaded!”

3. Drinking alcohol is a lot easier than thinking up ways to contribute to a healthy society.

The world is f*cked. We all know THAT. If it isn’t corrupt politicians installing new laws THEY will then blatantly disregard it’s cyber-bullying gone mad when old high school Facebook friends throw re-unions they don’t invite you to. Shit. Will the injustice and cruelty ever end? Probably not. But that’s where booze comes in. Forget trying to come up with a way to be a constructive force in a world of destructive and selfishly motivated behaviour, give into the negativity. Wash away your need to feel a sense of purpose and belonging by drinking alcohol. Drink enough and you might not even see the point in living anymore. Or at least of being on Facebook.

4. Alcohol numbs the pain.

Life is pain. Life is pain. And not just for the innocent civilians (mothers and babies, sons and daughters) murdered by government appointed killers (armies) in order to steal their country’s oil. We all suffer. Especially during non-ratings period. To avoid feeling the existential angst which comes from asking the big questions like “Why are we really here?” (surely not to drive cars which run on the lives of innocents) and “Haven’t I seen this episode of MASH before?” simply drink alcohol. Not only will it numb the pain caused from over empathizing with other’s suffering it also makes you think Faulty Towers made more than four episodes.

5. Alcohol encourages open* discussion** between family members.

Ever wanted to tell that bitchy aunt to stuff her Christmas cracker where the turkey leg won’t go? Ever dreamt of telling your parents you can live without their constant encouragement for you to change careers, get married or stop bringing your dirty laundry around? With alcohol you’ll have the nerve you need to really speak your mind. Spit it out, baby. Yeah!

N.B. * heated | ** arguments

So there you have it. Five reasons why should ignore any inclination you might have to cut down or even stop drinking altogether. Hit the sauce hard, I say. I mean, just look at all those benefits!

My name is Ben and I’m a dipsomaniac.

Today is Day 275 of my year of living sober. Yep, over three-quarters (75%) of the way!

☆

Little Booze Joke

An existentialist teetotaller walks into a bar and the barman says, “What are you having?” and the existentialist teetotaller says, “An identity crisis—what am I doing here!!”

How about you? Do you have any more reasons to drink? Love to get your comment.